I remember when the term "frenemy" first hit popular vernacular. I thought it was such a clever word, "Ha ha, friend and enemy, how funny!". It seemed to be a word reserved solely for the high schoolers and the young twenty somethings working in fashion, marketing or PR. Environments where women (and it always seemed to be only women) were predominantly involved and competition for Queen Bee status seemed to be at stake. In finance there was no such thing as frenemy because we all knew if you liked someone or not. That's how we knew whether to look for another job or stay and collect that big ass bonus. Trust me, if you didn't know where you stood at a firm, your bonus would give you a good idea and usually it was a hint to leave if it sucked compared to everyone else. If you didn't leave, you just got shafted again and again. Eventually they'll demote you and push you out. So you learned pretty quick how to read your managers and decide who to align yourself with.
Anyway, frenemy to me was a funny term that didn't really factor into my life. Until I came to Satellite Village. Seriously, why is it that as soon as I move into this place all these weird things happen? All these stereotypes you read about suddenly materialize? The crazies you see on television sitcoms actually exist? The freakin stupid trends you never saw anyone wear are suddenly all around you? It's like some Bermuda Triangle of the Bizarre, the Black Hole of Misfits, the Wasteland for Humanity. Where do these people come from and why are they all represented here in Satellite Village?
When Little Man first started preschool there was one boy he was friendly with from the start, let's call him Eugene. So I made an effort to be friendly with Eugene's parents, who both work from home, and tried to set up play dates with Eugene at the park so Little Man could start to build some friendships. Trust me, it's hard making friends when you're middle aged and set in your way. Having to make small talk, feigning interest in their lives and jobs, asking about their other kid and trying to keep all the blah blah information straight. Unless I really like you, I have selective Alzheimer's when it comes to personal information. It's tough trying to build a friendship with the parents of your child's new friend. Eugene's parents happened to be looking for a house just like us, so I thought we had some connection. We ended up finding homes around the same time and as soon as we had the space I invited Eugene over. Soon I realized I was the only one inviting anyone over for a play date. Eugene's parents never invited Little Man over, and they would even ask me why I didn't take Eugene from school so it would save them a trip to our house to drop him off. Um, how lazy are you? We're literally three minutes from the school. Soon they would just leave Eugene and come back in three hours. I was a little uncomfortable since I thought 4 year olds needed parents around, and I didn't really feel comfortable or capable of controlling/disciplining their unruly 4 year old. But I bit my tongue and sucked it up since it made Little Man so happy to have this kid over.
Soon my overtures for play dates were met with responses of "I'm really busy this week, let's talk next week" with no follow ups. Than I started finding out that mutual friends were having Eugene over for play dates, and somehow the Frenemy Parents weren't too busy for those days. So I got the unspoken message that this Frenemy Mom was just using me as day care when she needed to unpack her boxes or drive 2 hours away to unload a storage unit. I was being used, and I don't appreciate being used. Don't get me wrong, if I LIKE you, and that's the big important word here - LIKE. If I like you I will do what I can to help you out. If I feel some kind of reciprocal action, a real concern or affection for my child, I will LOVE you and you will have my undying fealty. But I never got that from the Frenemy Parents. In fact, I never got anything from them at all. It was a kind of blah relationship for me.
Fast forward about 6 months and Little Man is on the same soccer team as Eugene. Big Man would go and the Frenemy Parents were there and always chatted Big Man up. "Oh, we should get together and blah blah blah some time". Whatever, if you're looking for day care again go pay someone to watch your kid. You're not getting anymore free day care from me. "Oh, we just started taking Eugene to the driving range to play golf and since you play so frequently, you should join us at the driving range". Duh, like I'm a rube that just fell off the turnip truck? You told me in the past that you guys don't play golf and have no interest. And I know you're both freakin cheap, hence trying to pass off play dates as free day care with me. Do you really think I'm going to let Big Man teach your kid how to swing a golf club because you're inept and too cheap to hire someone? At least buy Ben Hogan's book on the fundamentals - there's a lot of illustrations in it. I'm sure you can follow pictures. I actually ran into Frenemy Mom at a birthday party and I'm so disgusted by her that I can't even look at her or feign civility. That's another thing with me, if I don't like you I don't care if you know or not. I'm not going to waste my time trying to pretend we're friends and asking about your life. I could really care less, and would appreciate it if you would just keep you're fake "Hey, how's it going?" quip to yourself. Needless to say, I haven't seen these people since that party, and I hope I don't ever see them again. I know Little Man won't be in any of the same classes since Eugene went to remedial kindergarten last year, so next year he should be in first grade. Seriously, remedial kindergarten. I've spent the past 3 years teaching Little Man to read and add and subtract and spell and he'll be starting multiplication in a few months. And this kid went to remedial kindergarten. I'm glad they won't be in the same class. I don't need Little Man getting afflicted with Dumb by Osmosis.
I remember Frenemy Mom telling me that they didn't want to pay for another year of preschool and since remedial kindergarten was free, they would send Eugene there instead. And save the money from preschool for a new car. Come on, do you seriously think we can be friends after that remark? I'm all about putting time and effort and money into my child's education and development. And you want a new car instead of paying for another year of preschool? Where do these people come from? What rock are they crawling out from under? And why are they all here? The only upside is it makes for an amusing tale to tell. Though I get all worked up when I think about their deceit. But I'm patient...I'll get my chance for something. And if you know me well enough, you know what that something is.
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